98%??? I’m in the 2%
So, this was my movie plan for this monster flic:
- Wait for it to come to streaming
- Wait for it to be included on Max or Netflix
- Wait for it to leave Max or Netflix
- Then, watch it when there’s nothing left to see on YouTube, preferably after football season
But after listening to my professional critics rave about it, and my friends, I decided to plunk down $17.75 to see it.
BIG MISTAKE!
THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE GOOD…
I fell asleep at least five times. My cousin, Nick, fell asleep at least twice. My friend, Keith, fell asleep at least once. And my other friend, Colin, I think, stayed awake the entire time. When the theater lights clicked on, I gave this snoozer an F. Nick literally gave the movie a Minus One, and said, “Seems like a movie they make you watch in school.” Keith gave it a C-, and Colin loved it, but did admit that it was really slow at times.
Online, critics raved about the “tragic” and “romantic” storyline. SPOILER ALERT, this movie is only tragic and romantic because our main character is an idiot. And, for the professional critics, if I wanted to see a romantic tragedy, I’d turn on the Hallmark Channel and stop watching it five minutes from the end.
The writers of Godzilla: Minus Fun, for some reason, forgot that they were writing a movie about Godzilla. We didn’t learn anything about this monster. You know, the basics – where he came from, what he ate, how did it travel, what was it’s motivation – uhm, important “things.” I mean, come guys, Godzilla is not supposed to be a subplot to this movie, he is the plot! Imagine showing up to watch Top Gun: Maverick, and we find out that Maverick is only a subplot in his own movie. And, then we learn more about how stupid his neighbor is, for about three hours. That’s the type of ludicrous storytelling I witnessed, which strangely is being celebrated as an achievement.
Yeah, apparently, I’m in the 2%.
So, let’s talk about the characters.
CHARACTER BREAKDOWN
There’s only one character in this movie that’s honest with reality, and that’s the main character, Shikishima. The other characters are just empty vessels who complain and cry at different levels, like a bipolar patient of the worst kind.
Shikishima Type 9 “Peacekeeper”
Envision this. Your country has just been devastated by two nuclear bombs, and now you have a formidable nuclear monster attacking your city. Who do you want to lead the charge? An alpha-male or a beta-cock?
And when I say beta-cock, I mean:
- A beta-cock who won’t open fire on Godzilla, which results in his friends dying, not to mention 100,000 Japanese citizens
- A beta-cock who is a Japanese soldier, but won’t die for his country
- A beta-cock who cries 70% of the time
- A beta-cock who won’t commit to a relationship, because he’s a coward
- A beta-cock who won’t commit to calling his adopted daughter, because he’s a coward
- A beta-cock who won’t save his girlfriend from impending doom, because he’s a coward
So I ask you again. Who do you want to lead the charge? The Alpha-Male or Beta-Cock?
Well, if you’re a screenwriter for Godzilla: Minus Fun, you choose the Beta-Cock, the compulsive coward. And that ladies and gentlemn is how you make a movie that is both irritating and boring.
For those who enjoyed this movie, even they had to admit it was very slow at times. The primary reason for the turtle pace is that Shikishima was an accurately written Type 9 Peacekeeper. And, Shakishima was the antagonist of the movie, not Godzilla.
STORY STRUCTURE
When you first dive into screenwriting, you learn that there is a protagonist (the hero) and an antagonist (the villain) to any story. You are taught to make your protagonist likable, but not flawless, and to not self-project yourself into this character. At the same time, you instructed that your antagonist, the villain, drives the majority of the story, and your protagonist is reactionary.
Many stories, many great stories, are written this way.
But then, as time goes on, you realize there’s much more to storytelling.
You realize that rules are made to be stretched and broken, characters should be based upon real-world personality types, and everything you learned a few years earlier can be thrown out the window. It’s around this time that it becomes very clear, that it’s a lot easier, a lot more interesting, and both challenging, to make the main character of your storyline, the antagonist. Antagonists have lots of flaws and usually are a lot more fun to write – plus, who doesn’t love a good comeback story? Some of the more popular movies that have antagonists as the main characters are Wolverine, Top Gun, What About Bob, Deadpool, As Good As It Gets, Iron Man, and Guardians of the Galaxy.
As a side note, if your main character is the antagonist, there still can be a villain to your story. But that villain’s main purpose is to not drive the story. You can actually take out that villain, and your story would pretty much be the same narrative because your main character is driving the story, ruining people’s lives. The purpose of a villain, in these antagonist main character storylines, is to give an audience an idea of where the main character’s growth is.
Make no mistake, the character causing everyone pain, is your main character (who is the antagonist), not the villain. In Top Gun, Maverick was a troublemaker from beginning to end. He encountered the MIGs twice in the movie, but they didn’t make Charlie compromise her principles. The MIGS didn’t kill Goose. The MIGs didn’t turn the Top Gun Academy upside down. It was Maverick.
Now back to Godzilla: Minus One.
The story is driven by Shikishima, who is an irritating coward who doesn’t value his own life. He’s not likable. He’s uninteresting, non-smart, and pro-boring. At least 100,000 people have died because of Shikishima’s cowardness. If there was a fear, he had it. Not only was he fearful of Godzilla, but he was also scared of commitment, scared of taking responsibility, scared of expressing an opinion, and, worst of all, scared of taking action.
So, here’s the problem.
You have an antagonist-driven movie, with an antagonist that wants to sit on his ass – and cry.
The result? You have a boring movie because he’s paralyzed with fear. And a boring movie is not a great movie. Plus – Godzilla walks a bit strange.
Thus, my rating:
GRADE: F
P.S. This movie should have been called Shikishima: Minus Brain
Steve Young
